Top 10 signs your developer is an asshole

There are amazing web developers out there but there are also a ton of developers who act like assholes. It’s part of the reason I started Brain Bytes Creative. For years I had clients of my video production agency complaining about the poor customer service and stress that their web developers web and software developers made them endure. After hearing it for over three years I decided to do something about it.

Through the experience of starting my own website design and development agency, along with hearing horror stories from hundreds of clients, I have compiled a list of the top ten signs your developer is an asshole.

10. Your developer won’t pick up the F&%^ING phone!

You tried to contact your web or software developer by email multiple times and have decided it’s time for a chat, so you do the logical thing and you pick up the phone to give them a ring. The first few times it rings and eventually takes you to voicemail. Then, at call five through ten, you can tell you are being sent immediately to voicemail. Talking on the phone would likely ease your anxiety, and it would keep you updated on milestones and deliverables… but that’s not happening. You’ll have to wait until your developer is ready to chat.

9. Your developer is obviously way smarter than you… Duh.

During communications your developer often gives dismissive sighs or is extremely condescending to you. They can’t believe that you don’t understand the simplest things even though they have explained it five times. They wish you’d stop being so dumb and go pick up the latest Development for Dummies book. Oh, and whatever technology you are using is out of date and stupid.

8. Your developer can’t hit a deadline but can play Fortnite for 18 hours straight.

Deadlines are apparently “suggestions” for when things can be completed. It does not matter that your boss or your business has a very important event or presentation, all that matters is that your developer got to kill a record number of zombies while drinking Monster Energy drinks and staying up till 5AM. Your project can wait…THERE ARE ZOMBIES TO KILL DAMMIT!

7. Your developer refuses to speak like a normal human being.

During conversations with your web or software developer, you often feel completely lost as they ramble about things you don’t need to know as they duck the main questions.

Client: When will the Facebook login functionality be completed?

Developer: We decided to code the site in REACT which means that we need to refactor our current code. We thought we could keep coding in Python but when we got to this task we realized that the connections could be simplified for better speed optimization and better security. Based on the new algorithms Google just released, our concern now is the page speed, so if this doesn’t work we will need to try something completely different.

Client: I don’t follow.

Developer: (Sigh) Your old codebase is not working. We should probably just start over.

Client: This was due last week!

Developer: It’s gonna be at least three more weeks.

6. Your developer won’t give you the code.

You got through your project and have decided to take your site to another host and developer. Even though you paid for the code and technically own it, your developer is trying to slow down the process or not give you what is rightfully yours.

5. Your developer doesn’t wake up till 1PM.

No communications start until 1PM unless you schedule the meeting in advance and often you feel panicked they won’t show so you give them a wake up call.

4. Your developer holds you hostage.

Your developer layers your project in complexity so they are the only ones who can understand the code or work on it. They also happen to be the only people with the logins, passwords and other vital information that you would need to break free of them. You are stuck. You feel trapped. They like it that way!

3. Your developer always points the finger back at you when something breaks.

When something goes wrong with your development project, it’s never the developers fault. It’s always something you did in the past or something you suggested in the build at the start of the project.

Client: The push notifications in the app are firing at the wrong time and the text is wrong. Did you get the updated text?

Developer: They are firing when you said they should. What new text?

Client: In the requirements we noted that the notifications are triggered one month after enrollment and the new text was sent out three weeks ago.

Developer: Weird, I remember you saying two months and I never got the text changes. Maybe your email is coming through as Spam. I’ll check in a few days but send it from another email if you want me to review sooner.

2. Your developer loves to make you their guinea pig.

Your developer tells you about a brand new code base or extension that is supposed to be revolutionary, even though it’s untested. But they guarantee that it will make your product better. They fail to mention it’s only being used by a few developers who are big on Reddit.

1. Your developer is not aligned, nor willing to be aligned, with your goals.

Your developer refuses to try and understand your goals and keeps pushing their own agenda. Their agenda is typically based around what tools they want to play with and not what is going to help you be successful. This is the most egregious offense an “asshole” developer can make because they are using your money to fund their education and waste your time.